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Post by breyercrazy on Jan 31, 2012 15:31:21 GMT -5
Silverpelt tensed up, grimacing. He was not about to let Vivian have that pretty mare! He reared and tossed his mane, letting out a high call.
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Post by Henley on Jan 31, 2012 19:27:39 GMT -5
Vivian quickly answered the call his head high. This stupid stallion thought he was going to take that pretty mare, well he had another thing coming. Vivian answered the call with his signature war cry. He then reared, and lashed out at the horse. His ears were pressed back against his head and teeth bared. He then leaped forward preparing to taste the blood of his enemies neck.
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Post by breyercrazy on Jan 31, 2012 21:28:15 GMT -5
Silverpelt spun and kicked wildly as the other approached. Hind hooves connected, and Silverpelt was pushed back by the ricochet. He spun, and felt Vivian's teeth attempt to bite hard. Fortunately, though he did fet the bite in, it was on his shoulder, not higher on the neck. Silverpelt leaped up, hooves flying, with bared teeth, and attempted to kick him.
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Post by Henley on Jan 31, 2012 22:49:27 GMT -5
Vivian hailed happily as he tasted the tang of blood, and was thrown back by the force of the hit. He then regained his balance quickly. As he did a kick hit him in his left hind leg. Now his rage was up. He almost snarled, and most would have mistaken it as one. He then turned to the other stallions back, aiming to press all his own weight down onto the stallions back.
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Post by breyercrazy on Feb 1, 2012 0:10:32 GMT -5
Silverpelt galloped a few feet, and bucked, kicking towards the bay. Runnung up to the stallion, he reared, clashing with the stallion, kicking and biting. He really didn't like getting pressured on his back. That bay stallion was very stubborn!
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Post by Henley on Feb 1, 2012 22:05:24 GMT -5
Vivian twisted as the kicking stallion ran toward him. He had felt the pressure on his back. The bay brute stifled a chuckle and focused on fighting. Teeth griped his nape. He shook them off and gathered energy. Vivian was focused on charging into the other stallion's ribs. Harks were pinned back, and teeth bared as he awaited to hear the silver stallion's scream of pain. If the charge was successful, the bay would then whirl around and plant a kick to the chest with his hinds legs.
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Post by breyercrazy on Feb 2, 2012 11:51:27 GMT -5
Silverpelt turned swiftly, but still the other stallion crashed into him. Oww, his ribs would be sore! He kept bucking, flailing his hind legs.
Exaustion was beginning to set in. He couldn't keep this up forever. And neither, he was sure, could the other stallion. He began pushing, kicking, biting, attacking fiercely. If the other stallion didn't submit after this, then he would.
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Post by ShadowCryssy on Feb 2, 2012 14:11:06 GMT -5
As of right now...
Breyer - 4 posts - 124 points - average of 31 points per-post - Breyer you could improve by giving you posts more length and making sure all words are spelled correctly. Also, try to describe more and watch out for run-on sentences.
Henley - 3 posts - 93 points - average of 31 points per-post - Henley you could improve by making sure to put commas in places they should be and try to stop using 'he' and 'his' so much. example...
Original - "Vivian twisted as the kicking stallion ran toward him. He had felt the pressure on his back. He stifled a chuckle and focused on fighting. He felt teeth grip his nape. He shook then off and gathered his energy. He was focused on charging into the other stallion's ribs. His ears were pinned, back and teeth bared as he awaited to hear his enemy's scream of pain. If his charge was successful, he would then whirl around and plant a chest plant with his hinds legs. " - 7 'He' 7 'His'
New - "Vivian twisted as the kicking stallion ran toward him. He had felt the pressure on his back. The bay brute stifled a chuckle and focused on fighting. Teeth griped his nape. He shook them off and gathered energy. Vivian was focused on charging into the other stallion's ribs. Harks were pinned back, and teeth bared as he awaited to hear the silver stallion's scream of pain. If the charge was successful, the bay would then whirl around and plant a kick to the chest with his hinds legs. " - 3 'He' 3 'His'
I did this because you guys said that this was basically just for practice, thought this might help!
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Post by breyercrazy on Feb 2, 2012 14:25:31 GMT -5
what's a run on sentence?
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Post by ShadowCryssy on Feb 2, 2012 14:42:19 GMT -5
Example...
"Runnung up to the stallion, he reared, clashing with the stallion, kicking and biting."
You miss spelled running and this it a run on sentence. It should have been...
"Running up to the bay, he reared, clashing with the other brute. Silverpelt was kicking and biting with everything he had."
Try to use a max of 2 commas per-sentence.
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Post by breyercrazy on Feb 2, 2012 15:18:31 GMT -5
ok  thanks for your help, Cryssy. |
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Post by Henley on Feb 2, 2012 19:02:46 GMT -5
Vivian felt a slight push, and could tell the other stallion was starting to get exhausted. He quickly took his chance to charge at the other stallion again. He felt a half hearted kick in his ribs. The bay brute whirled and clacked his teeth, his neck arched aimed for a another shot at the other stallions neck once more. The bites on the bay's coat were shouldered off. The exhaustion was beginning to set on Vivian but refused to let it rule.
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Post by breyercrazy on Feb 4, 2012 11:58:25 GMT -5
Silverpelt galloped around the other stallion, then made another attempt to kick at him. Seeing that the other stallion did not sumbit, and he was very tired, Silverpelt galloped out of the other stallion's reach. Breathing hard, he spoke. I submit. She is yours. And he wheeled away.
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Post by Henley on Feb 4, 2012 15:06:28 GMT -5
Vivian could feel the other horse's energy draining. The bay brute raised his head. He easily dodged the kick. Harks were pricked now as the other stallion spoke. "Very well." Vivian called after him. He reared up and lashed out. Victorious yet again!
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Post by ShadowCryssy on Feb 5, 2012 21:39:58 GMT -5
Scores BreyerPoints: 159 Average of 31.8 points per-post Tips: Add some length to your posts, and quit using the word 'Stallion' so much, use these insted... Brute Stag (Stallions Name) HenleyPoints: 166 Average of 33.2 points per-post Tips: Watch for places you should and shouldn't put commas. !Winner! Vivian wins by submission and Henley wins by 7 points! |
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Post by breyercrazy on Feb 5, 2012 21:55:23 GMT -5
Um a stallion is very much not a deer... and stag is another buck name.
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Post by ShadowCryssy on Feb 5, 2012 22:02:04 GMT -5
it's just a nickname, it is just like the word fae for a mare
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thanks for your help, Cryssy.